This post is a response to Sarah Bessey. This post specifically. Recently I came across her blog and I instantly loved her.
What is saving your life, right now?
If I were asked this question a few months ago I wouldn’t have had an answer. I was drowning in my own pride, heartache and foolishness. I would have said nothing is saving me. I am lonely, I am hurt, and God is nowhere to be found. There is nothing.
I was much too far out, not waving, but drowning.
Eventually I started to become more of myself, but not really. My heart was still wounded. I was upset with myself for still be upset. I didn’t care that I have a “soft heart” or the numerous reasons I had be told that justified this pain that is clinging to my soul.
I could no longer find the joy in the everyday. And this more than anything was strangling me.
Then I ate some sugar snap peas. I forgot how much I love the crunch. I forgot the way I used to eat them in middle school. Splitting them open and if the peas were big just eating those and throwing away the outside.
I remembered the pop between my teeth, the cool sweetness that filled my mouth. And I was happy.
I started to reread Harry Potter. I am reading them slowly (for me.) I forgot how Neville had my heart from the first book. Or how Snape’s story brings me to tears and how Umbridge makes me sooooo angry. But now as I am starting the 6th book, I remember how I first read this series when I was 17, finishing them in one week. I remember why I fell in love with these books in the first place. I remember the conversations with good friends about them. And I am happy.
And now I write. For a long time my journal was avoided and my blog neglected. The words scared me. I was afraid of being misunderstood, of being a disappointment, of embarrassing myself.
But most of all I was afraid that if I wrote these thoughts down I could no longer ignore them; I had to deal with the heart break. I had to deal with my anger.
I forgot the beautiful release that comes from writing. I forgot how much pain holding in your words causes. But as I extract the thoughts that were ignored for so long, the ideas that were pushed down far away from feeling, I remember the relief that comes with acknowledging the hurt. I found the joy.
These are the things that are saving me. The forgotten joys that are rediscovered.
The pop of sugar snap peas, Neville Longbottom and the sweet release of words.