I started writing this a few months ago. I am no longer in this place of contentment but it was a beautiful place to be, even if just for a while.
Super short back story…
I have lived in the same town my whole life.
I was in the same school district all the way from kindergarten to my high school graduation.
After high school I had always planned to leave, to escape, to be free from this town and the people here. But then my plans changed.
God changed my plans.
I am aware how dumb that sounds, but that’s what happened. I don’t know how to explain it but this was the one moment in my life that I knew, that I knew, that I knew what God wanted me to do. Crazy to give up my life plans for some invisible god that I daily have to make the decision to believe in? Maybe. But that’s what I did.
And even since I made that decision I have been struggling with WHY
Sometimes it has been the sobbing in my bedroom at 2:00 in the morning because I felt so alone, WHY
Other times it was the jealousy when talking to my best friends about their lives, WHY
And now, it’s just been the completely selfish, when is it my turn, WHY. I gave up my dreams for what?! I gave up everything that I wanted to do. I didn’t go to a real college. I have yet to have a boyfriend, I barely even know any guys. I am seeing my friends doing all of the things that I had planned to do.
When will it be my turn to be happy. When will it be my turn to do what I want, just because it is what I want to do.
I am aware this is selfish. I know it full of jealousy and all of those other emotions that good church girls aren’t suppose to feel.
There is a part of me that knows my plans would not have panned out the way I would like, but there is still that nagging what if in the back of my mind.
So a little bit ago I was having one of those WHY days. I was feeling super alone being all mopey and pathetic about that guy, I was just not doing well. And then I had contentment. I have never been on of those people who will feel “at peace” with current life situations. I am a fretter, a worrier, and the worst sort of over-thinker.
I didn’t understand the contentment in the midst of the why. So I stayed in it.
I basked in the wonder that was contentment.
Life will never be fair.
Life will not go according to plan.
Life will suck sometimes. and it will suck hard
Your heart may get bruised, possibly even broken.
You may feel used.
You will be rejected.
You will feel like and sometimes actually be a disappointment to somebody.
You will be alone.
You may just be a little girl who is afraid of everything.
But it is possible to find contentment in the middle of all.
I knew all of those things I had felt the loneliness and been told of the heart break. I knew of the broken plans and disappointments.
I had even been told of such peace, but I had never imagined it possible.
The contentment was overwhelming and beautiful so I stayed in. I waited and I basked in this peace.
I still don’t know why. And I don’t know if I will even know. But in that moment, I didn’t care.
Now instead of searching for the why, I am looking for that contentment.