I’m always looking forward to something.
In high school when I would get stressed I would just think about something that was coming up and that I was looking forward to. Sometimes it was a small thing like the weekend or plans I had with a friend. Other times it was something bigger like a vacation or the end of the school year. And having that thing to look forward to always made what happening easier to get through.
I still do this now. I spent the last month and a half looking forward to going full-time at my first job and being able to quit the second job. Before that I was looking forward to moving into my own apartment. And before that, it was vacation. And before that it was something, anything so I could ignore life. the more unhappy or stressed I am the more I look for things to look forward to.
My heart is hurt, I look forward to finding a man. My job is stressful, I look forward to the weekend. I’m broke, I look forward to payday. I don’t know how to deal with life, I look forward to vacation where I don’t have to…
You get the point.
When I started doing this, it was a good thing, it got me excited about things and took my mind off of things that were bad but now it’s gotten out hand.
Okay, more than out of hand… it’s unhealthy.
Sometimes it is to the point that I almost stop caring about what else is going on. I am so stressed, burnt out, hurt, whatever, that I no longer look for the good around me but I look forward to something that can no longer live up to the expectations in my head.
A few years ago I started making a point to look for beauty in everyday like and find God in the everyday. Now instead of looking for God I look for something to look forward to so I don’t have to really deal with what is weighing me down.
I’m going to attempt to stop looking forward and start finding joy in daily life. Stop thinking of something that is coming and start enjoying the things that are happening now. I’m going to stop ignoring life and start living it.
(ending blogs in a border-line cliche is the best!)