Often when I start talking about my faith, it sometimes (
a lot of the time) veers towards my doubts, questions or those things about the church that make me angry.
Sometimes when I start to talk about them, my mind filter goes away and I start to say things. Then I start to get those “Oh snap, that girl is going to HELL” or “just wait until God smites you for that one” looks. (
or maybe I don’t and they are all in my head.)
Now, before I go off on some tangent that sends my mother, pastor, best friend or whoever else that may be worried about my everlasting soul into cardiac arrest, I will clarify something.
I believe in Jesus. I believe in what He said He will do.
I choose to believe in these things. Even when I don’t feel like it. Even when I’m having an awful day. Even when I am having an anxiety attack. Even when church makes me angry. I choose to believe.
As my favorite author, Madeleine L’Engle, says
“I really and truly believe in God with all kinds of doubts. But I base my life on this belief.”
I choose to face my doubts head on. I choose to question my faith. I choose to think about what I believe.
I refuse to follow blindly.
(Another point of clarification, if I talk about the church, I am probably talking about the church as a whole. The group of people that claim to love, believe in and follow Jesus. Sometimes we suck at showing what this whole Jesus things is all about.
I do go to church, and I actually like my church.)
So, in the future, if I am posting things about my faith (and I most likely will) and I start talking about whatever great thing that may get you praying in tongues for my everlasting soul, just remember –
I know what I believe, I have doubts, but I base my life on this belief.